Five Things We’ve Learnt From The Apprentice

With Crazy Jane sobbing in the cab home, rueing the day that Lord Sugar ever rejected her, determined to make him see how brilliant she is; instead of the maudlin lunatic that we saw her as, the show is wide open for the role of Villain. Who could it be? Hilariously named Ricky Martin? Perhaps it’s the chinless wonder, Stephen Brady? Or the matron of monotony, Jenna. 

It’s the roles of Hero, Villain and Hapless Buffoon that make The Apprentice one of the finest shows on the BBC, and gets you all talking about what happened the night before on hushed emails and quickened conversations over Starbucks chai lattes when you should all be working. You lazy lot. Where would we be without The Badger or Stuart Baggs The Brand irritating us beyond measure week after week? 

This week was a prime example of The Apprentice doing what The Apprentice does best: giving people enough rope to hang themselves and then pissing against them as they swing, neck clacking in the wind. So here we go, strap yourself in, pop that ball gag in your mouth, because this shit is just about to get real.

1. It doesn’t matter how much of a bruiser you may be, and Ricky Martin is a right advert for overdoing steroids, you still look like a div if you say “You witness the fitness with Ricky Martin.” People with muscles that could have their own post code shouldn’t rhyme. Imagine Hulk Hogan reciting Dr. Seuss. It’s just weird.

2. It doesn’t matter how often you see it, or how politically correct the broadcaster is, showing men watching women exercise always brings the tone down to a sub-Carry On level. If Lord Sugar could get away with it he probably would’ve had one of the Groove Train dancers have their top pop off, with the sound of a boing in the background, while Hattie Jacques looked on with a scowl. 

3. Somehow, perhaps by black magic, the BBC sucks all credence out of something which is pretty bad ass. They did it with parkour (and then Madonna menopaused all over it), they did it with wheelchair dancers, and they’ve successfully done it with street dance. Admittedly, the likes of Cher Lloyd and Diversity have democratised the noble art of ‘swag’ but the final nail in the printed harem pant of a coffin is dedicated to The Apprentice. The only thing worse would be Blue Peter covering street dance with Tyger Drew Honey. 

4. Giving up your self esteem in the process of making money can lead to hilarious consequences, as Azhar showed us all during the Groove Train promo. Lock up your daughters, Azhar is hitting a dance floor near you looking a bit serial killery doing the hula hoop. 

5. Somehow, and we’re not sure how, but the bastardised child of Zumba and John Travolta has brought a charisma to even the most vacant of suits and made Azhar the star of tonight’s episode. Even though Duane made a complete dick of himself by railing against the actual facts, Azhar pipped him to the post by being game for anything. This man, who clearly won’t win The Apprentice, has to go back to work knowing that all of his new colleagues have seen him do the “funky squat.” 

To sum up, we have a friend of Wagging Finger Of Shame, @kriswould with a joke. So, prep your funny bone for hilarity.

This episode of The Apprentice will go down in history for being the first recorded proof that there are people thicker than gym instructors.

There. Isn’t that great?

NEXT WEEK: SCOTTISH FOOD! 

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