Lauren vs Benedict; The Battle No One Cares About

As Big Brother trundles on and each contestants tries to out-do themselves in the stakes of being the most repulsive human being on the Planet, the inevitable boring evictions crop up time and time again. The ones that no one really cares about because they don’t have much of an impact on the house.

Generally it’s at the beginning of the series as the damp chaff gets sifted from the absolute horrors as they progress to the high point of being House Twat, and this is no different. Porn star Benedict and Whatever Lauren Does Lauren are pitted against one another to get evicted, and frankly, it doesn’t really matter who goes and stays.

And here’s why!

Benedict, as hunky as people might think he is could be one of the most tedious and patronising men to appear on TV. Everything is a problem, and his tone when talking to fellow housemates is, not only insolent and arrogant, but also really, really, really boring. Apart from Cameron in Big Brother 4, no one has ever gone on the big things from being exceptionally dull. Who remembers Dean and Elizabeth from Big Brother 2, or Sade from Big Brother 1? NO ONE, that’s who. And why is that? Because they’re boring. Face facts, people who are boring don’t make fantastic TV, they make TV that makes you want to consider The Million Pound Drop on. THE MILLION POUND DROP PEOPLE! That’s what we’re faced with here.

Who knew porn stars would be so boring?

Lauren, however much she might be the human embodiment of Britney Spear’s mental state and has more mood swings than a crazy Swingball, doesn’t really get that the more that she cries and gets upset about the fact that no one really likes her because she cries about how no one likes her that no one is starting to like her, and as a result, has got to go. It was charming when it happened to Caroline way back in Big Brother 2, and having her up for eviction week after week was brilliant, but that was the old Big Brother. This is the shiny and new Big Brother with big shiny boobs and big shiny personalities that make you want to hurl big shiny things at the TV.

Does it matter who goes? Not really. Neither of them has had much of an impact on the group, or on the house, and would even have less of an impact if they did. Plus having Lydia losing a member of the Super Secret Society Of Super Cunts would make my heart burst with the strength of a thousand Suns, or Katie Price’s tan.

Who do you think will you go? Are you actually bothered? Have you stumbled on here by accident? Do you need someone to phone your carer?

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