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Movies Music

Ten Best Bond Themes

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With the news that Sam Smith is going to sing the theme to the new Bond film, Spectre, I decided it was time to dust off this list of the Ten best Bond themes. 

So get comfy, pour yourself a drink and get ready to agree with every single one of our choices.

Right?

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DA DA D’DAA DAAAA!

*ahem*

Here’s our Top Ten Bond Themes.

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Music TV

Jessie J Leaves The Voice; Get The Fine China Back Into Storage, She’ll Only Want To Wear It

Skeletor’s plasticine face transplant took time settling down

Wasn’t The Voice great? Well, no, not really. It was one of the more bizarre ideas that the BBC have decided to enact, and that’s taking the whole Sam and Mark thing into account as well, but it started off well. Just like most things in life a good start usually continues through to something generally shit: foreplay, books, most things. It’s one of those Rule Of Life that people write articles about.

One of the larger problems of The Voice was undoubtedly Jessie J. Striving to be the main star of the show and push Will. I. Am and his….individual way of speaking to one side, she craved the camera. Which is fine. She’s probably had so much attention of the past few years that it’s become second fiddle (something that she can sing like) to her. But good news is on the pipeline because the owner of the most wigs in the country has announced that she has quit The Voice in search of jumpsuits new.

Is this really a good thing? Of course it is! Jessie J showed herself up time and time again, and good God those faces. What was with those faces? She was like one of those old men who can gurn for ten pences in the middle of a farmer’s market, but dressed like an interpretation of Hiroshima via Topshop.

No, I don’t like Jessie J, and neither should you frankly.

Knowing that she won’t be there fills me with slight trepidation however, because if we don’t know where Jessie is at all times, the World itself will be set to Defcon 3. And if she isn’t on The Voice, what absolute swelling numpty will we have instead? *thinks un-Martine McCutcheon thoughts, thinks un-Martine McCutcheon thoughts*

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Music Music Reviews Reviews

George Michael Releases A Song; It’s Not As Good As Even The Worst Wham song

When George Michael revealed that the rumours of an imminent Wham revival were nothing more than Careless Whispers, he instead insisted that he would still be releasing a song to commemorate his 30 years in the music business.

Underwhelming isn’t even the word. It’s like being promised Christmas but instead getting a disappointing Eastenders cliffhanger; something to do with Lola perhaps?

But dodgy New Order cover aside, it’s good that George Michael is trying. He has managed to forge a legacy in pop music, and car shaped dents in Supa Snaps, and should do something nice to celebrate it.

‘White Lights’ probably isn’t going to be that. The whole song seems to be lazy and a little safe.

It needs a good Poppers O’Clock remix.

Categories
Movies Music

What We All Want To See In The Girls Aloud Musical #girlsaloud

As Cheryl ‘Don’t Call Me Cole’ Cole totally says that a Girls Aloud musical would be a brilliant idea, and gets her name in the papers yet again, it got me thinking. A Girls Aloud musical would be fifty shades of beige but with some toe tappingly brilliant moments, mainly because the show would revolve around a girl’s night out or some such bollocks and not focus enough on the autobiographical aspect that need addressing.

But what should a Girls Aloud Musical have in it? Worry no more, because I’ve got the answer right here.

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Music

UPDATE Wham! Are Back; Managers Of Supa Clicks Around The Nation Frantically Buy Insurance

Sexual. That’s the only thing that can describe George Michael’s shirt.

Never mind.

It’s off.

On my Bucket List, sitting quite high at Number Three, just under ‘Being A Thundercat’, there’s ‘See Wham! Live,’ and before today it would have took the combined efforts of Cancer Research and Noel Edmund’s to get that done, but now there’s a chance that seeing Wham! sing again is a distinct possibility as George Michael has announced that, thirty years after the very first release, the duo are set to tour again.

It also coincides with George Michael releasing a song about his recent dance with death. But that sounds as maudlin as his recent New Order cover. What a mess that was.

On the face of it, it looks like the Wham! tour is going to be an absolute car crash, but it’s still a car crash that I would love to see, and as Wham! are touring the country it looks like we can all have the opportunity to see what could possibly be the worst thing to happen to reformations since The Reformation sullied the good word.

George Michael’s spokesperson told the Daily Mirror this:

George and Andrew have often said their Club Tropicana days are well behind them. But seeing as their anniversary coincides with George releasing new material, it’s one of those ‘now or never’ moments. They probably won’t do a long tour or release new material like Take That but they do want to commemorate the event with a big gig… and an even bigger party afterwards! Things are still in the early stages but everybody is getting really excited about it.

As they should! It’s not often that the first Western band to play in Communist China reforms to travel the country.

How it’s going to work is a struggle, because George Michael doesn’t sound like the George Michael of the 80s anymore and Andrew Ridgeley has been living the quiet life with one of Bananarama (not Siobhan Fahey), but nevertheless, it could be a brilliant way to commemorate Michaels’ 30 year career.

Let’s just hope that Pepsi and Shirley are there as well, otherwise, whats the point?

HERE’S THE BEST SONG ABOUT BEING ON THE DOLE, WHAM RAP!

 

Categories
Celebrity Music

Chris Brown Is A Violent Criminal: Part, Like, Seven?

If there’s one thing that I love more than life itself it’s when people get what they deserve.

So needless to say I was over the moon that Chris Brown had a bottle thrown at him. I was even more chuffed that it was fellow rapper (and possible wrapper) Drake who allegedly did it.

It’s not because I’m particularly bothered about Chris Brown as a person, to me he seems to be in a massive competition with the rest of the World to out-cunt his past self, but the more he gets himself about and makes a fool of himself, the more I enjoy it.

Just to clarify: want to beat a woman viciously? Just call it being a part of “Team Breezy” and it’s acceptable.

Want to gloss over the fact that you beat a woman viciously and have a tenuous grip over your anger? Win a Grammy and tell everyone to fuck off.

It’s like he lives his life in a bubble of perpetual disembodiment and only comes together when he needs to do something offensive to keep his name in the public.

What a dick. Let’s hope that Drake did punch him. And it hurt. Lots.

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Music

Calvin Harris; Part Man Part Hit Machine

It might seem like Cheryl ‘Don’t Call Me Cole’ Cole is setting the charts alight with her single ‘Call My Name,’ and that’s a great song and you won’t be hearing me say anything derogatory about it, but it isn’t Cheryl who should just be proud of herself. It should be the man behind the song, as well as two other singles in the Top 40 (Rihanna and Ne-Yo, just so you’s know), Calvin Harris, who’s giving himself a big pat on the cock.

The man is almost literally a hit machine, pumping out hit after hit like the rest of us would pump witty diatribes on Twitter. He’s worked with people as diverse as Example and Kelis, and almost changed the face of dance music to such an extent that Chris Brown has even been nicking his style.

So well done Calvin, you da awesomez.

Here’s the video for my favourite Calvin Harris song (before he got a swanky new hair do).

Spot the Popey.

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Music

Chris Brown Hates Cher Now; Doesn’t Believe In A Life After Love

It looks like the best example of an action film train crash crammed into one very angry young man, Chris Brown has been running his smart mouth around. “Throwing shade” as the kids who like his brand of almost generic dance music would say.

Except it would be if his PR weren’t claiming that it was a hacker doing the online shenanigans.

“Someone” said

That damn GRANNY bitch CHER needs to keep her mouth SHUTTTT about her opinion against Obama !!! SMH she needs a beating

Needless to say no one was actually surprised that Brown would speak to someone like that, especially after his altercations with people with actual emotions and morals, and the whole Rihanna attack thing. When it comes to Chris Brown it’s usually easier to believe that he’s done something really awful than thinking it could be a mistake. Once a vicious and violent thug, always a vicious and violent thug, as the saying goes.

But it doesn’t matter, because he’s won a Grammy and thousands of teenage girls queuing up to get smacked by him.

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Categories
Music TV

Justin Bieber Almost Breaks ITV; Magic Scarf Keeps Him Safe From Harm

That’s Justin Bieber in the scarf. You can’t really tell at all can you?

It isn’t often that parts of London come to an almost standstill, except when it comes to privileged strains on society wanting to have a lovely boat party down the Thames. But it looks like Bieber Fever and those pesky Bieberphiles are at it again.

Once news that Bieber, the reincarnation of whatever God Cliff Richard is praying to to keep him looking young, was turning up on Alan Carr’s Summer Specstacular (it’s called Specstacular because he wears glasses) ITV studios was inundated with an army of pre-pubescent whelps wanting to meet their idol, and probably touching him in the pants a few times.

Needless to say, his Ken stump wouldn’t have been much of an exciting prospect for them, but they could’ve made it look shiny for Selena Gomez.She likes a shiny genital stump does Gomez.

Unfortunately Bieber wasn’t caught in the throng of hot pants and stupid glasses with no lenses in, but never mind.

Categories
Music

Peter Andre Doesn’t Mind Pimping Out Dead People

Somewhere an orphan has just stubbed his toe

In a move that’s going to remind people that Peter Andre doesn’t know when to stop sinking to the lowest depths of the human condition, he’s chosen to release a song that the recently deceased Bee Gee, Robin Gibb wrote for him.

Not because it’s a beautiful ditty. Or because Peter Andre really felt like the Bee Gees were a massive force in music, like the rest of us do. But because he knows that it’ll keep Peter Andre in the public eye.

When he’s not selling the death of a Bee Gee, he’s also profiting from his brother’s Cancer, which will sure to have brought massive upheaval to his life. Or so the upcoming ‘Peter Andre: My Brother’s Got Cancer And This Is How I Feel About It’ ITV2 special will show us.

For shame Peter Andre. You don’t use someone’s memory to sell things, you make off colour remarks and then get chastised and almost ruin your career. Just ask Graham Norton.

Loser.