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#theapprentice; the rot is starting to set in. With @kriswould

This is how we feel about this series of The Apprentice. It’s just not very good compared to previous years. Where’s Claire and her AK47 of bullshit? Or Ahmed and his plate smashing antics? (Well, that was Big Brother, but imagine that malarkey going on in the boardroom. Brilliant.)

There’s no stand out characters making us hate our lives and yearning for the hours spent extolling how awful ‘Character A’ is compared to ‘Character B.’ God, that ‘Character A’ is such a bitch. What was she playing at not listening to ‘Character C’? And spitting at Karren. 

Weirdo. 

We’re not bothered that Katie went, or how irritating Jenna is. Truth be told, this may be the final time we watch The Apprentice. Unless they have a good batch of contestants for the Interview Stage. We love us some Claude Littner. 

But, as promised, here’s a joke from @kriswould. We all know that thats the only reason you’re here. We’re not stupid. 

Bankers vs Hipsters. On this episode of the apprentice, both ends of the wanker spectrum collide.

Now be off with you. Rebekak Brooks is on TV, so there’s bound to be somewhere that needs mopping. 

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Reviews TV TV Reviews

7 Things About #theapprentice Week 7; sponsored by the word ‘strategy’ and @kriswould

No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee

No, not Vodafone, but only the bladdy Apprentice isn’t it?

After last week’s disastrous trip to Edinburgh, Lord Sugar decided to take things back to basics and put the most famous Yuppies since Gordon Gecko in charge of a market stall. Like what Delboy and Rodney did to much success. Only this time, there was no Trigger. Which is a shame because that would’ve made this episode of The Apprentice rather entertaining. Instead of stressing about what products to buy and in what quantities, having Adam falling through a bar would’ve been much better. 

But us wishing that Only Fools and Horses was as popular as it was in it’s heyday isn’t what you’re here for, so pop in those earplugs, start chewing a sweet because things are going to get a little choppy. 

  1. Nick Holzherr, who came dressed as David Mitchell in the 90s, took charge of Team [insert generic aspiration noun here] and kept his hair expertly ruffled as well as Ricky Martin, who was about to throw some Macho Man Randy Savage moves in the middle of Lakeside, under control. 
  2. Fake tan sells really well. Now we understand how Lauren Goodger manages to pay for all those Lipsy dresses. 
  3. Nick is the third most famous Apprentice Nick (after Nicholas de Lacey Brown and Nick, of ‘Karren and Nick’. 
  4. Just like a child repeating the same word to their mother, Azhar asking for what the strategy was get irritating very fast. Unfortunately Azhar was too big to be sent to his room without any supper. Instead Lord Sugar decided to fire him and send him on his merry little way. We salute you, Azhar, for making us add the Funky Squat to our daily regimes. Rosemary Conley is waiting in the wings. 
  5. Someone ring Anna Wintour because seeing Karren Brady dressed as Grand Duchess Anastasia shows us that looking like murdered Russian royalty in a Cash and Carry looks totes amaze balls. 
  6. When people rhyme ‘tan’ unintentionally it makes us really miss TV Burp and Dictionary Corner. 
  7. Somehow Jade managed to scrape through without being eliminated, even though she probably should have been. When you’re faced with proper business terms like ‘strategy’ and ‘synergenesis’ it’s hard to hold your own, mainly because ‘synergenesis’ isn’t an actual word, but she did pull it off. She probably should have been fired and kicked out onto the street for not commiserating Azhar, but at least we know what a complete bitch she is now. 

It wouldn’t be a Wagging Finger Of Shame look at The Apprentice if there wasn’t a terse summing up from @kriswould, so here goes!

After successfully selling fake tan to the people of Essex, Lord Sugar has called off the ‘piss up in a brewery’ task.

Tremendous. 

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Reviews TV TV Reviews

3 Things We’ve Learned From…The Apprentice, or Eleven Go To Edinburgh

After last week’s invention of the Funky Squat we weren’t sure whether we were emotionally ready for this week’s Apprentice. What was going to be imprinted on our eyes forever more? Would we see something that would make our heads explode with such levels of hilarity and embarrassment? The answer is usually a yes when it comes to the team of nouveau-yuppies that Lord Sugar puts through their paces, but this week was rather adrift with uncomfortable moments and angry confrontations, unless you count the angry looking flushes that grew on Adam’s face in the boardroom.

But you’re not here for comments on people’s skin, this isn’t Heat magazine is it. You’re here for the three things you need to know for work tomorrow. 

So here goes!

1) Here’s a tip for every potential entrepreneur. What’s worse than selling pasta and meatballs that looks like a hefty menses? Trying to sell the dressed as pizza while making bad jokes. It doesn’t work and will result in you getting fired. Which is just what happened to poor Katy, the Blonde Assassin. She didn’t do much assassinations in that costume did she?

2) When claiming something is locally sourced, this doesn’t mean that the supermarket that stocks it is just around the corner. It means that the very essence of the ingredients is from the surrounding area, and not say, Cambodia or some other far flung corner of the World. If Super Mario claimed that he was locally sourced from Italy, would you believe him? Probably not because you can see that he’s just an amalgamation of some terrifyingly dangerous stereotypes, and should be rescuing Princesses from danger instead of talking to you.

This also applies to calling something ‘gourmet.’ It’s one of those buzz words that advertisers think pull people in to their product and justifies increasing the price to an astronomical level. But instead they’re just unnecessary words that stretch out the description of something which doesn’t take that much. Watch.

“Handmade gourmet burger” actually means, better than McDonalds and three times the price. 

3) Doesn’t Lord Sugar’s receptionist look like the girl from The Ring? 

Before we go, as always @kriswould is here with a humorous recap on this episode.

Ready? Prep your vaginets for oncoming prolapse through hilarity.

Katie paid the ultimate price for Adam’s attempt to out skinflint the Scots

Wonderful stuff.

UP NEXT WEEK: ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES.